The Big Cobra Breakup Of 2012
by Red Witch
Summary: Things come to an explosive head among certain members of Cobra. Especially when the Dreadnoks make some literal fireworks of their own.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any GI Joe characters has gone solo. Well we all know this had to happen sooner or later. We just didn't know how big the mess was gonna be! **

**The Big Cobra Breakup Of 2012**

"My head…" Cobra Commander held his head in his hands with his elbows on the table. "My head is going to explode…"

"Cheer up Commander," Mindbender said as he gave Cobra Commander some coffee. "At least all your wounds have healed and your skin has grown back quite nicely."

"Why the hell did I allow you maniacs to give Torch a birthday party last week?" Cobra Commander moaned to what was left of his command staff in the room.

"You were plastered," Zarana spoke up.

"Oh yes. That's right," Cobra Commander moaned as his helmet opened up and a little tiny straw popped out. "How long was I out this time?"

"Only a couple weeks," Mindbender said.

"I see…" Cobra Commander used the straw to take a drink from the coffee mug. "I know about Kwinn and the ninja attack. And I do remember most of the birthday fiasco. What else did I miss?"

"The mime assassins attacked too but thanks to the Baroness and Raptor's new evil chicken army they were destroyed," Zartan spoke up.

"We had another bad synthoid batch," Mindbender explained as he sat in his seat. "Fortunately this time they only destroyed other synthoids so it ended surprisingly well."

"Although the profits from the Clucky Chicken restaurant and our new catering division are doing surprisingly well…" Tomax began.

"All our other secret investments are still in the toilet," Xamot added.

"We had a knife fight in the cafeteria between two of our soldiers involved in a love triangle with another one," Zandar spoke up.

"Not a good one though," Zarana said. "Barely any blood at all."

"In other words I didn't miss much," Cobra Commander took another sip. "Well that's a relief. Has Destro come back to wherever he's run off to?"

"Still gone Commander," Mindbender shook his head.

"And the Baroness?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Still locked in her room," Zarana said. "Refuses to come out."

"Still embarrassed over that whole dog thing huh?" Cobra Commander asked. "Can't say I'm complaining about that. After how she treated all of us like her personal chew toys, she got what she deserved!"

"She's so embarrassed about what happened she hasn't even shouted out any death threats to us," Zarana said.

"It's been so quiet and peaceful," Zartan let out a sigh of contentment. "Even my Dreadnoks seem to have quieted down."

"Not that I care about those animals you call henchmen but where are they?" Cobra Commander asked as the straw retracted and his helmet closed up.

"Out getting supplies in another town," Zartan explained.

"Another toilet paper run?" Mindbender asked. "Where are they stealing it from this time?"

"Not just toilet paper. Actual supplies in an actual town," Zartan said. "And they're using a fake credit card I made up so…"

"So you sent them to the nearest Wal-Mart?" Tomax frowned.

"Pretty much, yes," Zartan shrugged. "It's one of those big ones with a supermarket in it and everything."

"You sent them **alone?** Without **any** supervision?" Cobra Commander asked. "You know they are probably going to burn the whole store down right?"

"Commander, I admit my Dreadnoks are barbarians but even they can pull off a supply run without something going wrong," Zartan said.

Zandar gave his brother a look. "Usually," Zartan amended with a shrug.

"Let's hope so," Cobra Commander grumbled. "The last thing we need is another Internet scandal!"

"Speaking of Internet scandals…" Zarana chuckled.

"What **now?"** Cobra Commander moaned. "What new plague has been sent to torment me?"

"To be fair it's not exactly **you** that will be tortured by what happened," Zandar said as he took out a laptop. "Take a look at **this!**"

"I'm afraid to see…"Cobra Commander groaned as he looked at the computer. "What the…? Holy crap! How did TMZ find those two?"

"How does that organization find any dirt?" Zartan shrugged. "They just do!"

"Great snakes even the FBI and the CIA combined isn't as good at uncovering scandal like that website!" Cobra Commander was stunned.

"Lucky for us," Zartan snorted.

"The Baroness hasn't seen this yet has she?" Cobra Commander asked in a worried tone.

"If she had don't you think we'd have heard the gate of the Hellmouth opening by now?" Zartan asked. "Fortunately for us since the birthday party from a suburb of Hell she hasn't been **near **a computer, let alone surfing the Internet."

"But we all know sooner or later that bit of luck won't last," Zarana remarked.

"That time bomb is one tick away from exploding in all our faces," Mindbender said. "And I'm worried."

"We're **all **worried," Zandar groaned. "Worried that she's going to take us all down. Again!"

"It's when things are too quiet you know something is going to explode in our faces," Cobra Commander grumbled. "And if the Baroness sees this…"

"Sees **what?"**

They turned around and saw the Baroness glaring at them. "Nothing in particular," Cobra Commander lied. "Just some bimbo running around with an older well known personality. You've seen it one time you've seen it a dozen."

"Yeah it's really not that interesting," Mindbender said as casually as he could.

"Common stuff. That's Hollywood for you," Zartan added.

"You know Baroness it's nice to see you out of your room for a change," Cobra Commander stood up and tried to steer the Baroness away from the computer. "You look thinner. Have you lost weight? Maybe you should go buy a new uniform because that outfit just looks too big on you…"

"Now I **know** you're hiding something from me!" The Baroness pushed past him and grabbed the laptop. "What is it?"

"Run!" Zartan hissed to the others.

"DON'T MOVE!" The Baroness snarled. "Unless you want to get some laser therapy! And by that I mean a laser blast to the brain!"

"Then again we might as well see how this plays out," Zartan gulped.

The Baroness let out a shriek of anger at what she saw. "Oh we are so freaking dead," Cobra Commander groaned.

"I'm back," Destro walked into the room. "Baroness…What are you squawking about **now?"**

"BASTARD!" The Baroness took the laptop and threw it at Destro's head. He barely had time to duck. "YOU CHEATING LYING BASTARD!"

"Impeccable timing Destro…" Cobra Commander groaned as he sank back into his chair.

"You snake! You two timing twerp!" The Baroness snarled.

"Oh what the hell did I do now, woman?" Destro snarled. "I am getting tired of you lashing out at me with your irrational jealousies for no reason!"

"No reason? You call being photographed with that one eyed Australian blonde bimbo in flagrante delecto on her freaking yacht in the Cayman Islands **no reason**?" The Baroness screamed.

"Oh **that,"** Destro blinked. "How did you…?"

"IT'S ON THE INTERNET YOU IDIOT! THAT'S HOW EVERYONE KNOWS EVERYTHING NOWADAYS!" The Baroness shouted.

"I so hate TMZ…" Destro groaned.

"It was bad enough you and that quack Venom turned me into a dog when we were supposed to be healing our relationship in couple's therapy!" The Baroness screamed. "It was worse when you let me run around and humiliate myself for the entire world to see…But to find out that you cheated on me while I wasn't able to defend myself…THAT IS THE LAST STRAW!"

"Okay who had September in the betting pool?" Cobra Commander asked.

"I did," Mindbender grinned.

"Damn!" The Crimson Twins said as one.

"Would it have killed you…?" Xamot began.

"To wait a few more months Destro?" Tomax snapped.

"YOU ALL **KNEW?"** The Baroness shouted. "WHY AM I SURPRISED? OF COURSE YOU ALL KNEW!"

"You know what? I'm **glad** you know!" Destro snapped. "I'm sick and tired of kowtowing to your jealousy and irrational behavior!"

"Oh well if you are so **sick** of me Destro why don't you **leave?"** The Baroness snapped.

"Why don't **you **leave?" Destro shouted back.

"You could **both** leave," Zartan suggested.

"SHUT UP ZARTAN!" Destro and the Baroness shouted.

"Could all of you **shut up?"** Cobra Commander moaned. "My head is **killing **me!"

"If only it really was," Baroness glared at him.

"You know what Baroness? I am **leaving!**" Destro shouted. "I'm leaving **you**! I'm going back to the Countess and telling her that we can go away this weekend after all!"

"You know we all are kind of running from the law here," Cobra Commander looked at the two of them. "Just running off and back and forth in front of a lot of cameras might bring some unwanted attention here. Just a thought!"

"I am going to be with a woman who appreciates me for who I am and doesn't nag me for a commitment every ten minutes!" Destro snapped. "It's over!"

"Oh it's over all right! But I am the one who is leaving **you!**" The Baroness snapped. "You have humiliated me for the last time you pompous metal headed Scottish twit!"

"And **you **have emasculated me for the last time you four eyed loathsome hag!" Destro yelled at her.

"And you have scorned and tossed me aside for the last time you metal headed phony buffoon!" The Baroness yelled. "I never want to see you again! And that goes double for your phony family of leeches and freeloaders!"

"You are calling **my family** phony?" Destro laughed. "That's rich from a woman who got her title from a guy in NEW JERSEY!"

"Okay first of all I didn't get the title from someone in New Jersey," The Baroness corrected. "I already had the title. I just didn't know it yet. He was a lawyer who helped me track down my family history! I **am **a Baroness, so there!"

"The only thing royal about you is that you are a royal pain in the ass!" Destro yelled. "Your ancestors may have had a title once but since your family was broke before the Tsar of Russia got shot, you don't exactly have that much to back it up!"

"And what great thing do **you** have?" The Baroness snarled. "A run down castle in the middle of nowhere filled with junk and decrepit relatives that you can't even visit anymore!"

"I can if I want to get arrested!" Destro snapped. "You have no idea how appealing the idea of jail was while we were dating! No, our relationship was **worse** than jail! At least in jail I could get some peace and quiet and maybe a chance of parole!"

"Well this is your lucky day Destro!" The Baroness shouted. "You are now free! In fact, I have had it with the lot of you! When I think of all the years I wasted with this pathetic bunch of **losers**…!"

"No need to get personal," Mindbender frowned.

"I hate all of you…" The Baroness pointed to each Cobra around the room, starting with Zarana. "Loser!"

Then to Zandar. "Loser!"

Then to Zartan. "**Big** Loser!"

Then to the Crimson Twins. "Creeps!"

Then to Mindbender. "Creepy Loser!"

Then to Cobra Commander. "**Biggest** creepy loser of them all!"

"Now that's not fair," Cobra Commander said. "Mindbender is **way** creepier and more of a loser than I am!"

"He's right," Zartan said.

"I agree," Zandar said.

"Hey!" Mindbender protested. "I am **not!"**

"Oh yeah? Everyone who **doesn't** date their own science projects raise their hands!" Cobra Commander raised his. Everyone did except for Mindbender.

"Everyone who hasn't **married **their science projects raise their hands," Tomax raised his.

"Twice!" Xamot added.

"Three times actually," Destro admitted.

"**Three** times?" The Baroness and Zarana yelled at the same time.

"You married three different experiments three different times?" Cobra Commander yelled. "How did this last one happen?"

"There was this convention in Germany I had to go to," Mindbender admitted. "A few of my rivals were going and I wanted to be a big man. Again it was a fake marriage like the others. Nothing happened. Well nothing until the DNA mutated and my fake wife grew another head and started to breathe fire."

"You know what? I don't want to **hear** this anymore!" The Baroness snapped. "I don't **have** to hear this anymore! I am leaving this _organization _for lack of a better word. Actually this is more of a **disorganization** than any other group I have ever met!"

"I'm just saying…" Cobra Commander said weakly.

"I STAND BY MY STATEMENTS!" The Baroness screamed. "If I never see any of you losers again it will be too soon!"

"And what **exactly** are you going to do Baroness?" Zarana asked. "It's not like there are a lot of jobs open for a lazy selfish has-been!"

"I don't know and I don't care!" The Baroness bristled. "Almost **anything **is better than hanging around with you no talent losers that can't even take over a **street corner** let alone the world!"

"And as for **you **Destro!" The Baroness whirled on her ex-boyfriend. "I have wasted too much of my life waiting for you! From now on, the Baroness waits for no man! Especially a pompous, spineless, metal headed jellyfish!"

"And I have wasted too much time and money on a selfish shrew that never gave a damn about me and only my money!" Destro yelled back. "So go ahead and leave woman! It's not like we can't do without you!"

"Oh really?" The Baroness glared at Destro.

"Really!" Destro glared back. "Anything else you want to say?"

"Just one thing," The Baroness replied. Then she swiftly and with great vigor brought her knee up to a very sensitive area on Destro's body.

"URK!" Destro gulped and collapsed on the floor.

"You would think with all the times she's done that to him, he'd have been smart enough to wear a cup," Zarana rolled her eyes.

"Consider this my official resignation from Cobra," The Baroness looked at the rest of the group. "DROP DEAD!" She stormed off.

"Huh…" Xamot blinked.

"She took it better than we thought she would," Tomax agreed.

"Did…The Baroness just quit?" Zandar blinked.

"If only," Zartan groaned. "Knowing our luck she'll be back within a few weeks to torment us all again."

"She gives a speech like that once every ten years," Cobra Commander sighed. "Guess it's that time of decade again."

"Ooohhh…" Destro tried to get up but couldn't.

"Should have worn a cup," Zarana shook her head.

"I DID!" Destro yelled. "She **broke **it with her knee! Oooh…"

"She broke it? How…" Zartan blinked.

"JUST TRUST ME ON THIS ONE!" Destro yelled as he painfully got up. "You know what? Never mind! She was right about one thing; you are all a bunch of creepy losers that I have wasted my time on for far too long! Especially **you**, Mindbender!"

"What did I do to **you?**" Mindbender yelled.

"I can do so much better than this second rate group of **lunatics!**" Destro snapped. "As of now Destro McCullen is his own man again! Beholden to no one and nothing! A lone man against the world! Now if you will excuse me…I am going to pack and take care of a serious boo boo on my person…" He limped away.

"That was unexpected." Xamot blinked.

"Did Destro just quit too?" Tomax asked.

"No, he's just run off to his new girlfriend's for a while," Cobra Commander groaned. "He does the same kind of speech almost at the exact same time the Baroness does."

"Oh right. I remember the big freak out of 2002," Zartan remembered. "Subtitled: Why Haven't I Gotten An Engagement Ring Yet? Those two didn't come back for over a month."

"Although it was not as bad as the Valentine's Day Breakup of 1992," Mindbender told the others. "Where half of us ended up in the infirmary for a week."

"Well this time I'm not taking **either** of them back," Cobra Commander waved. "I'm sick of the same old drama! Who needs the both of them? We can handle Cobra fine without them!"

"Are you…?" Tomax looked worried.

"Sure about that Cobra Commander?" Xamot finished.

"Of course I'm sure! Hell we survived without the Baroness for three months while she was in dog mode!" Cobra Commander snapped. "In fact just having her **here **has always been more of a hindrance than a help as much as I can figure."

"I say good riddance," Zartan said. "Those two have been riding on your coat tails for far too long Cobra Commander."

"They have been haven't they?" Cobra Commander agreed.

"I've always said they don't pull their own weight," Zartan agreed.

"They never did, did they?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Lazy ingrates! After all I've done for them!"

"Actually after everything you have done **to** them I'm surprised they haven't **shot** you," Mindbender remarked.

"Mindbender do us all a favor and go out of the room for a bit," Xamot gave the mad scientist a look.

"Maybe whip up a date in the lab for Halloween?" Tomax quipped.

"An appropriate holiday for that occasion if there ever was one," Xamot finished.

"In the meantime as the new second in command of Cobra…" Zartan began.

"Oh no, Zartan!" Xamot snapped.

"If **anyone** is going to take over as Second in Command…" Tomax said.

"And replace the Baroness at the same time…" Xamot went on.

"It's going to be **us!**" The Twins said as one.

"You? You two had a billion dollar business and you let it go in the tank!" Zarana snapped. "We can't trust you two morons with running Cobra!"

"Oh and we suppose that you lot..?" Tomax began.

"Can do **better?"** Xamot ended.

"Well what about Kwinn? He's actually competent," Mindbender suggested. Zartan and the twins glared at him.

"No, I had a talk with him," Cobra Commander said. "He has no interest in the terrorism side of things anymore. As long as I let him do whatever he wants with the restaurant and catering business he's agreed to just send money to us. If we ever get any money that is…"

"So I am left as the logical choice to take up the mantle of second in command," Zartan smirked.

"We beg to differ," Tomax and Xamot said at the same time.

"We hardly think that a mercenary…" Tomax began.

"Who can barely control his own underlings," Xamot added.

"Is an effective leader," Tomax went on.

"Look I admit that the Dreadnoks are not the most polished weapons in the armory," Zartan pointed out. "But they are loyal…"

"Loyal to **you**," Xamot added.

"And your Crimson Guard is any different you creeps?" Zarana spoke up.

"She's right! Cobra Commander you can't trust the twins!" Zartan spoke up. "I on the other hand can be trusted…"

"As long as the paychecks keep coming," Tomax added.

"Please if it was just about money I would have taken my Dreadnoks and left over a decade ago!" Zartan snapped. "But now I am invested in Cobra…"

"Because no one else will hire you," Xamot quipped.

"Look I handled the Kwinn situation right? That proves that I can make decisions!" Zartan pointed out.

"You got lucky," Mindbender remarked.

"How would you know? You weren't even **there**!" Zartan snapped.

"I was and I have to agree with Mindbender," Zandar added. "Kwinn being obsessed with food preparation was a stroke of luck."

"Whose side are you on?" Zarana shouted.

"Commander I think the choice of second in command is clear," Zartan said. "I have the experience. I have the drive. I have the men. An effective unit who will get the job done at any cost!"

"Uh Zartan we kind of had a little problem when we went out…" Torch gulped as the Dreadnoks walked in. They were covered in food stains and smelled of smoke.

"This should be good," Xamot smirked as he folded his arms.

"Let's see how **effectively** Zartan handles this," Tomax agreed.

"Now let us tell our side before you hear it on the evening news," Monkeywrench spoke up.

"Oh God!" Zandar moaned. "What did you morons do **now?" **

"Uh well you see we were out getting supplies like you told us," Buzzer scratched his head.

"And we were trying to think of ways to save money," Ripper added.

"We thought we could save money using coupons which we found online," Buzzer added.

"Yeah FYI…" Ripper sighed. "Not all of them coupon websites are legit."

"So while those two were having a heated debate with a cashier, the manager and store security…" Monkeywrench spoke up. "The rest of us decided to look around and see what we missed."

"And then we could steal some stuff," Torch added. "Course Donald and Road Pig provided a real good distraction in the supermarket section."

"You had another fight with yourself didn't you?" Cobra Commander moaned. "What the hell over this time?"

"Not between ourselves," Donald spoke up "The disagreement was with some very…persnickety free food sample people."

"W-Wouldn't let us h-have more than a b-bite per p-person!" Road Pig then spoke up. "Bunch of Food Nazis!"

"I am starting to get the picture of what happened," Zartan winced. "And it is not a pretty one."

"Actually it was kind of pretty for a little bit," Buzzer said. "Apparently in this state fireworks are legal."

"They had a whole aisle of them in the store. And we wanted to see if they were real and they worked…" Monkeywrench gulped.

"So you know…It was just a typical bunch of misunderstandings that all rolled up into one," Torch scratched his head. "A fight with a security guard over counterfeit coupons here. A food fight over there. Some bloke got a toothpick in the eye…"

"Although he completely deserved it!" Donald spoke up.

"Some cops happened to be in the store and yada yada yada minor shootout in Aisle 9," Torch went on. "A few angry people who got caught in the crossfire…A few more people slipping on some blood and breaking their hips. A mishap or two with some fireworks and a stack of propane tanks…"

"YOU BURNED DOWN THE WAL-MART?" Zartan yelled.

"You called it," Mindbender said to Cobra Commander.

"Not just the Wal-Mart," Ripper said proudly. "We also got two cop cars and stole a truck full of supplies."

"Well at least you got the supplies," Zartan groaned.

"Uh not exactly," Buzzer gulped. "You see we kind of had to make this pit stop and Monkeywrench had some trouble with the breaks."

"Long story short we never got a chance to use that gas station rest room because well…There weren't no gas station after the collision," Torch added. "No gas station…no restroom."

"We even tried to put it out," Ripper said.

"Course we didn't have any fire extinguishers," Monkeywrench said. "And we had to go to the bathroom anyway…"

"Oh God!" Zartan winced.

"Real initiative your _effective unit_ showed," Xamot twisted the knife.

"When you said they would get the job done at any cost you **meant **it," Tomax smirked.

"Not so effective," Ripper scratched his head. "For some reason that made the fire burn even more!"

"That's because your systems are 80 percent proof with all the alcohol you drink!" Zartan snapped.

"Still we did manage to get some Slim Jims!" Torch took them out of his pocket.

"Oh thank heavens!" Mindbender said sarcastically. "The Slim Jims are here!"

"Halleluiah," Xamot said in a deadpan tone.

"Praise the Lord for Scorched Slim Jims," Tomax finished.

"Okay so we did kind of have to get into a fight with that gas station owner for them," Buzzer said. "But we gave him a beating he won't soon forget!"

"That GI Joey won't forget us neither," Ripper chuckled.

"What?" Cobra Commander glared at them. "What was **that?**"

"No biggie," Monkeywrench said. "Apparently one of them GI Joes was on leave or something and happened to be at the station at the same time. I forget which one."

"It was something to do with the beach," Ripper thought by stroking his beard. "Beach Ball? Beach Brain? Beach Sand…?"

"Well whoever he was he sure wasn't happy with us," Torch laughed. "You should have heard him swear after I set his car on fire."

"Uh we also evacuated our bowels of liquid waste on his car too," Donald spoke up. "That does explain the quickness of the fire now that I think about it."

"Real effective leadership Zartan," Mindbender folded his arms.

"Oh **bite me** Mindbender!" Zartan snapped. He glared at the twins. "You two. The Baroness was right. You're both creeps!"

"So…to recap our day…" Cobra Commander sighed. "Destro is the latest scandal boy to hit the Internet rags. Destro and the Baroness have had another one of their infamous breakups and broke my will to be sober. The Dreadnoks have burned down a Wal-Mart and a gas station. They also added public urination to their long list of crimes and felonies. There are no supplies. GI Joe is once again on our trail. And on top of it all what's left of my staff has the collective IQ of a **kumquat!**"

"On the up side the Baroness just walked out on us and Destro's run off so…" Zartan smirked. "As long as those two are gone I'm happy."

"Metal Head and Four Eyed Bitch are gone?" Buzzer asked.

"She found out Destro was cheating on her using the Internet," Zarana caught them up to speed. "Mindbender won the pool."

"Oh bloody hell!" Monkeywrench snapped. "I was sure he was gonna string her along until October!"

"I had next February," Ripper groaned. "I was way off!"

"Yeah well those two got into a big fight and took off," Zarana told them.

"Did the Baroness shoot Destro?" Torch asked.

"No, she threw a laptop at his head then kicked him in the nuts," Zarana said.

"Damn! We always miss the good stuff!" Buzzer swore.

"Don't worry we have it on the security cameras somewhere," Zandar waved.

"Long story short, Destro and the Baroness broke up and both of them quit Cobra," Zartan said.

"Yes we were currently discussing the many **qualifications** Zartan has for being second in command," Xamot smirked.

"Apparently he has none," Tomax smirked.

"Give me a break!" Zartan snapped. "It's not like I'm Mindbender you know?"

"Why is everyone picking on **me** today?" Mindbender yelled. "Personally I don't care who replaces those two! **Anyone** is better than Destro and the Baroness! Even Zartan."

"HEY!" Zartan snapped.

"Hold on. What if the Baroness tips off our location to the Joes?" Torch asked. "That ain't good."

"Oh come on the Baroness would never…" Cobra Commander stopped. "She couldn't…"

"She would," Xamot went pale.

"She could," Tomax agreed.

"But she wouldn't do that to get back at us would she?" Mindbender began. "And even as I say the words I realize how stupid that question was!"

"That bitch would sell out her own grandmother to get revenge," Zarana agreed.

"I think she did do that once!" Torch said. "Or was that me? All I remember is some old lady went to jail after a family reunion."

"That was our grandmother," Zartan groaned.

"To be fair she did catch her husband cheating on her and shot up half the family reunion," Zandar groaned. "Grandma Nattie was never a very good shot."

"Okay everyone pack your bags," Zartan clapped his hands once and stood up. "I think it's time we all took a little trip."

"Who said you were giving the orders Zartan?" Tomax snapped.

"We'd sooner follow Mindbender than you!" Xamot agreed.

"Oh well that's just hurtful," Mindbender remarked.

"You know I think I gave up the drinking and the pills a little too soon," Cobra Commander sighed.


End file.
